Floors underneath our feet are crumbling

I used to be very concern about being left out, uninvited to birthday parties and not asked to go out shopping together. Since young, the number of friends around me are always less than 10. Well close ones at least. Mostly girls.

My darkest period was during lower secondary where all my classmates will be in cliques and there I am, alone. Reason why they left me out was because they thought I was acting cute and trying to attract attention, with my voice and all. Of course we were all young and innocent then. My class used to be separated into 2 cliques - girls and boys. And I was neither here nor there. Instead, I was even told by the girl (which my class used to hate) that the girls in the class questioned her why did she even bother being friends with me?

I was devastated. I never knew the reason why they left me out of the clique despite me trying my best to get into it. Well of course, I was never invited to their outings. However, things got better when I was in secondary 4 when I tried explaining to them that I wasn't acting cute. My voice by default is already like this, there was nothing I could do to change it. Now that i am part of the clique, I was happy.

Then again, I realized the guys who always stick with the girls in my clique seem to just ignore me. Treating as though as I never exist or when they do, they'd tease me about my weight, saying nasty things. Up to now, its still the same treatment that I got. I never had issues with the boys in the class. But I suppose the reason why they did this to me was of course the way I look. I was short and plump while the rest of them are tall and slim. But I did nothing to deserve this y'know.

The thing I appreciate most about birthday parties are the personal invitations. Yet again, I wasn't entitled to the same treatment. When one of the boy is organizing a birthday party, he'd go around inviting my besties but not me. Until my besties ask "What about Jiahui?" then he mentioned that they can ask me along too. What's the point if you're not sincere at all?

I start to question myself if I do have a problem with boys, or are they all that judgmental? Nevertheless, I stopped contacting them once I graduated and moved on to ITE in search for new hopes. There, no one judged. Everyone of us were friends and of course I have my own clique - A mix of girls and guys. Probably everyone were all matured, not as childish. Or is it just that group of guys in my secondary school like this?

Up to now, I am of course coping well in Poly with my HC. Although all are of younger ages, at least they don't judge and treat me like an ~~older sister~~. Not. I have my lovely clique, which grew from 4 to 7 of us. What's there to be worried now that I have a bunch of lovely friends? Why so concerned about not being invited to birthday parties or outings? I've moved on and believe that there will be a better tomorrow.

Cheers everyone!